What Parents Think Coaches Want (and What Coaches Actually Want)

I’ve spent a lot of my life around basketball as both a player and a coach. I’ve been on the court, on the sideline, and in film rooms trying to help teams improve. Now I get to sit in the bleachers as a parent, which gives you a very different view of the game.

One thing I’ve noticed over the years is a quiet gap between what many parents think coaches want and what coaches are actually trying to develop.

Most parents want to help. That instinct usually comes from love. They want their child to be prepared, confident, and successful. And because basketball is a game of decisions and skills, it’s easy to assume that reinforcing strategy or pointing out mistakes is the best way to support growth.

From the coaching side, the priorities often look different.

When I was coaching, I paid far more attention to how players responded than how they executed. I watched whether they listened, how they handled mistakes, and whether they stayed engaged when things didn’t go their way. Those qualities shaped practices, chemistry, and development far more than technical perfection in a single moment.

One of the most challenging dynamics in youth sports shows up when a parent also has coaching experience. I understand that tension well. Coaches have opinions. They see the game a certain way. Watching someone else coach your child can be frustrating, especially when you would do things differently.

What helps in those moments is remembering the context. Coaches are responsible for an entire team, not just one player. Their job is to move a group forward over time, not optimize every individual decision in the moment.That can feel uncomfortable for parents, and understandably so. There is no situation where a parent should care more about a team than their child. But caring deeply about your child does not mean pulling them away from the idea of team. In many cases, it means helping them commit to it.

Team sports ask kids to balance growth and contribution. They learn how to compete while also learning how to serve something bigger than themselves. Kids who learn to navigate that tension tend to have a positive impact long after the season ends, whether in future teams or other areas of life.

This is where parents and coaches can actually partner well.

Parents can support coaches by reinforcing effort, responsiveness, and commitment to the group. Coaches support parents by teaching the game, providing structure, and helping kids grow within a team setting. When those messages align, kids feel steadier and clearer about what matters.

As parents, we all have hopes and goals for our children. That’s natural. But within a team context, the deeper lesson is often learning how to listen, adapt, and contribute appropriately in the moment.

Those lessons tend to last longer than any season.

Reflection Question

When your child talks about their role on the team, what do they believe matters most?